so, i blog here, now.  it's sporadic at best, but this month i'm trying that whole nablopomo whatever, and have kept it up to once a day.  ;)

i still read my xanga subscription update email from time to time.  and i know some of you i've found and kept up with a little on facebook.  if you still find yourself wandering by here from time to time, drop me a note...  :)

and reconnecting ~ sarah lou

a friend burned me some cds recently and this song is resonating with me strongly.  it found me at just the right moment...  don't you love it when that happens?

i opened up the letter
that told me you don't love me
don't you think it better
you tell me to my face

was i wrong to think about
the heaven that you brought me
was i wrong to see you as
the apple of my eye

i don't feel particularly good
don't worry 'bout me - i'll get by
that was the last day of june
this is the first of july

you don't have to pity me
it's something i don't need
the signs were clearly written
i just didn't pay the heed

was i wrong to let you go
without another fight
was i wrong to think i won't
be missing you tonight

i don't feel particularly good
but don't you worry 'bout me - i'll get by
that was the last day of june
this is the first of july

oh, yeah...

they say that time
has got a funny way of healing
right now that's the only
consolation i can find

you might find another guy [or girl]
and break his [her] heart, tomorrow
and i might find the peace of mind
that gets me through the day

oh, i don't feel particularly good
but don't you worry 'bout me, i'll get by
that was the last day of june
and this is the first of july
this is the first of july
this is the first of july

and music therapy,
sarahlou

things that are breaking my heart:  (eta: this is just me working through this, i don't want this to become a place of anger and bitterness or a place to bash him, i'm letting go, right?)

the empty feeling inside, knowing he’s been hiding more than his feelings, the idea of him with anyone else, the thought of an empty house, wondering if anything means anything to him, my ipod – engraved with “i’ll follow you wherever. all my love”, the fact that i can’t remember what exactly i had engraved on his, most sister hazel lyrics apply to some point in our relationship, how easy it all seems for him, that he tells people “we” finally realized we didn’t want the same life even though he’s known since he met me what kind of life i wanted, wondering how long he’s known and if he was just waiting for something better to come along, things we said we’d do together that will occur without one or both of us there, how well he knows me (just over the weekend, as i put on my socks i thought “i didn’t even know i owned plain white socks”… he walked in the room and said “are you wearing plain white socks? i didn’t know you even owned plain white socks!”), how long his mail will still come to the house, the general nausea that’s sticking with me most of the last two weeks, every glimpse of a silver alero, that urge to call him when i leave work – when i’m bored – every time something good/bad/silly/stupid/maddening/etc. happens, not going to chicago this weekend, pictures at flickr, the fact that i’ll be finding stuff at the house that’s his well after he leaves, him being “nice”, knowing i’ll think of him every time i see his sister’s face/name on tv/in movies/in magazines/online, knowing i’ll think of her every birthday and wonder what she’s up to since we share it (and therefore think of him and what he’s up to, as well), how many photos i have of us (and how he would have preferred there were none), being mad at myself for not seeing it all/saying something about my unhappiness sooner, still having reminders of him everywhere in my life, having to explain why i’m such a mess these days to everyone who notices, the questions my nephews will surely have on vacation in a couple weeks about where he is and why he won’t be around anymore, running across emails/texts to/from him, separating our phone plans at the end of this cycle, the post it in my checkbook where i split our bills up, knowing he is now poised to have everything he says he wants but the things i want for my life could never happen even if i do everything in my power to make them so, having just taken this picture down from my wall at work:

things i will miss:

chili and general food creativity, readying the coffee every night and pouring my coffee every morning, “have a good day. be careful. i love you.”, having someone to talk to about finn’s poop/craziness/cuteness, someone who cares about finn to help keep him fed/busy/walked when i can’t, his music taste, venting, sharing amusement, inside jokes, writing silly shit on each other’s take out boxes, road trips, getting to preview/help edit his writing, thinking of fun presents, fables/y: the last man/wonder woman/catwoman/general comic suggestion/discussion, members of the comic crew, heroclix everywhere, “can i get you anything?”, always signing off an email different than the last time, made up words (fleen/whorestickbag), spontaneous bursts of song (adding “glorious day” to anything makes it a hymn, d to the o to the u to the c-h-e!!) chicago, nyc, having someone there who knows me, beautiful thing (sister hazel), dinner/tv/movie companion, general appreciation/encouragement of my obsession with yarn/knitting, goodnights, hearing him call me ‘noppy’, his handwriting, having someone i can trust with anything, the way he could make me laugh no matter how pissed or sad i was

…my best friend for the last few years.  that’s not a switch you can just flip.

and pushing forward,
sarah lou